Unveiling the Great Secret of Marriage

As we wrap up the final three highlights from the first chapter, “The Secret of Marriage,” the actual secret of marriage is finally revealed. While reading and reflecting, so many thoughts came to mind about how important the foundation we build our marriage on is. There is the same common denominator of foundation within the three highlights.

Let me start by giving you synonyms for the word “foundation.” I love words, especially searching for synonyms and antonyms of a given word. Here are some synonyms I found for the word “Foundation”

Synonyms for Foundation:

• Footing
• Base
• Starting point
• Beginning

We have to take a look at the foundation or the starting point of marriage to fully understand this mystery of two becoming one that I wrote about in the first blog.

Some questions regarding our foundations that you can think about as we continue on could be:

• What do I believe about marriage, and how has that come to be?

• What do I believe about my future spouse?

YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO MARRY MR. RIGHT

Now this idea might stir some people’s hearts up. As it did when I first heard of it. I was pretty confused…I was probably confused because honestly, I didn’t want to believe it was true. I wanted to believe that there was the perfect guy and the perfect soul mate, the “right person,” for me. That is how a perfect love story should go right? Quickly after a year of marriage, those unknown expectations brought on some burdens for myself and for my husband. I began to realize that him and I both had our flaws and this process of marriage was going to include a lot more of learning to love and accept each other for who we were, with all of the imperfections included. That secure love could then allow us to be willing to grow in those weaknesses within our own hearts.

Tim Keller said it best:

“Over the years you will go through seasons in which you have to learn to love a person whom you didn’t marry, who is a stranger.”

When you think about it, there is actually no perfect person out there. For anyone who has been in a relationship before, you know exactly what that means. Actually for anyone who knows himself or herself, you know you’re far from perfect, and you’ll be the first one to admit it. So how can we expect perfection from the person we marry? That they will perfectly fulfill all our hopes and dreams, while our own imperfections are glaring us constantly in the face? Well that comes from the foundation of believing that marriage is the:

• The “ME” marriage – a belief that marriage is there to help me achieve my career, my dreams, to help my status, to feel good about myself, and to fulfill my sexual desires. I don’t have to change anything about myself if I do not want to.

ROMANTIC EXPECTATIONS

This next idea is a flow from the previous one, about no perfect person. When we are aware of our weaknesses and faults, we then try to constantly look for something to fix us. To fix ourselves, so that we can be made perfect, and make all our wrongs, right. While I believe there is something divine in that desire, if we are trying to fix our hurts and insecurities by using another person as the cure, our relationships will suffer. Some people might call this an aspect of co-dependency. As we start to believe there is a right person for us, we tag a bunch of expectations on them and then on top of that, start to believe that same person is going to fix us. This comes from the foundation of believing that marriage is:

• The “Soul Mate” Marriage – means that the perfect person is suppose to make everything wrong with us, healed.

This can cause us to search for our own

• Meaning in life
• Hope for future
• Moral compass
• Self-identity

in another person.

When marriage was made to be more about:

• Love
• Support
• Security

So when conflict arises or that soul mate doesn’t heal or fix you, well on-to the next person.

THE GREAT SECRET

So what is the great secret of marriage then? What is the foundation of a solid marriage? If the previous two foundations I mentioned are shifty and provide only instability for relationships, then there has to be another foundation that is as solid as a rock to build marriage upon.

Another synonym for “foundation,” that I mentioned earlier is the word “beginning.” Let’s go to the beginning of God’s creation of marriage between Adam and Eve. We see the desperate need in Adam’s excited response for having his wife Eve.

“At Last!” – the man exclaimed. (Gen. 2:23)

It is like he literally exclaimed “finally! She has arrived and is here!” With that kind of excitement, there must have been something in him to know they were both created to thrive mutually in marriage. When God created marriage through Eve and Adam, He actually had in mind His Master plan of sending Jesus His Son to the earth, to lovingly save His people and bring them back into relationship with Himself eternally. God’s love motivated His action to send Jesus to the earth to be fully man and fully God:

• To give his life
• To serve His Father
• To cleanse, heal, and save His people

The husband (Adam) represents, Jesus who gave himself up for His people, who is represented by the wife (Eve). Marriage is the only union that is a direct reflection of the gospel. This secure foundation of marriage is:

• The “Gospel” Marriage: “To picture the relationship between Christ and His redeemed people forever.” – Tim Keller

This is the great secret to marriage. The Gospel. The Good News. To have a marriage that is built on the foundation of the person of Jesus, is to understand that marriage is so much more than ourselves. It is much more about knowing how deeply loved, forgiven, and accepted we are by our Heavenly Father because of Jesus, so that we may continue to learn how to love our spouses freely without any conditions. God gave us marriage here on earth, so that we may have a tangible relationship to experience His kind of love for us. How beautiful is that…

Yes, that part about loving unconditionally can be painful for us and difficult, but if we decide to believe in the gospel as our foundation of marriage, then we will be more willing to grow, love, and learn about marriage and about our partner.

This gospel foundation will be what the remaining of the marriage series will be built on. As we move forward to learn how the gospel plays out in marriage, let’s apply these ideas into something practical for our lives.

APPLICATION

MARRIED COUPLES –

• After Jordan and I had been married for a certain amount of time, we realized there were unknown expectations that we put on each other. Once we were finally able to identify them, we were able to understand and know each other better.
• Let’s pray and ask God to show any unknown expectations that have found a place in our minds, about your own marriage, or spouse.
• The hardest part with our expectations on marriage is the identifying of the unknown desires we had for our spouse.
• Identify and write those expectations down, and then share and talk them over with your spouse.

ENGAGED COUPLES –

• To be able to identify and see clearly what your expectations are before you get married will help set the foundation on how you see marriage and your future spouse.
• Have some of your own time and pray and ask God to show you any unknown expectations you might have.
• Identify them, and write down.

Author of the Marriage Series: Taylor Wild

Note: We do not hold degrees in psychology, nor are we doctors, but people who have a heart to share wisdom. 

IF YOU LIKE THE EXPERIENCE SEEN IN THESE PICTURES YOU CAN BOOK YOUR MEMORY MAKING WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER TODAY!

 

Wedding Coordinator- Devin with Villa Siena

Venue: Villa Siena

Photographer: April Maura Photography

Second Shot with Monique Hessler Photography