Being Loved So You May Love

While we are enlightened by knowing what the Great Secret of Marriage is, the next question arises:

• How do we live out the great secret in every day life with all the practical barriers?

In order for us to discover a solution to that question we need to identify a main barrier to marriage. One important barrier that Tim Keller suggests is a “havoc-wreaking problem in many marriages,” called self-centeredness.

Self-Centeredness

Some people may read that headline and immediately click away from the page.

Understandably so…it’s confronting.

The slight read of that word shines light on our weakness as human beings, so of course why wouldn’t we want to run away from it?

I would, and I did.

After I read this part of the book, I spent some time justifying myself and giving myself permission to be self-centered, I shortly realized, oh boy am I self-centered.

I text my husband pretty quickly. I entered the dark haired emoji girl raising her hand and confessed,

“Hi, my name is Taylor and I am a self-centered person who has allowed my wounds to only magnify my self-centeredness.”

If we are honest, we all are. We know we are too. We just discover different ways to hide behind it, instead of just admitting it. This self-centeredness that lies within us can cause hearts to be self-serving, and self-seeking rather than servant-giving, especially when we have been wounded. Our wounds can trigger the self-centeredness that is already within us.

Here is quote Tim Keller gives that describes interviews done by Dana Adam Shapiro of divorced couples, that shows how self-centeredness was at the heart of marital dissensions.

“Each spouse’s self-centeredness asserted itself (as it always will), but in response, the other spouse got more impatient, resentful, harsh, and cold. In other words, they responded to the self-centeredness of their partner with their own self-centeredness. Why? Self-centeredness by its very character makes you blind to your own while being hypersensitive, offended, and angered by that of others.”

This isn’t a point to make us feel condemned. Because there is nothing new under the sun and we all struggle with it, there is great grace for us to receive as we acknowledge our natural gravitation towards self-centeredness. BUT to see change in how we speak, act, love, and serve our significant other, being able to acknowledge our self-centeredness, as it is revealed to us, might be the first step. You might even end up feeling the most free you’ve felt in a long time, speaking from my own experience.

Submit to One Another

Now that we understand the effects of self-centeredness, we can take a look at a cure. How husband and wife were originally made to live in marriage…

In submission.

When Jordan and I went on a marriage retreat after a year of being married, one of the biggest treasures we left with was the interpretation on how to live a marriage of submission. The idea of:

Mutual submission.

That’s it. So simple, yet hard to choose to live out.

Marriage isn’t about just one side or one person submitting their life to the other, but it is about both husband and wife equally choosing to submit their minds and their emotions to one another out of love and respect. Ephesians 5:21-26 distinctly uses the word as “wives submit to your husbands.” (v.22) Yet if we look at how the Bible describes a husband’s love, it says, “For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church” and “gave himself up for her.” (v.25) And the wife is to submit to her husband. The latter role could actually sound a lot more submissive in certain regards, holding a lot more responsbility for the husband. However we don’t look at the verse that is above both of those. “And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” There is a divine call to mutually submit to each with our servant hearts so that our marriages can become as beautiful as they were designed to be.

Tim Keller uses the words, “servant heart,” several times throughout the chapter because really that is the foundation of marriage. Our hearts being willing to change and willing to serve for the other.

In our daily choices, if we can mutually count our spouse more valuable than ourselves, then we will be living a life that we were created to live by God.

This is no easy task by any means because we are constantly in tension with our self-centeredness. But by turning to the One who loves our soul the most, and the One who cares deeply for us, He can and will, fill us enough with His love to then turn and pour it all out to others. If can understand just how dearly loved by Him, we will be able to genuinely shed that kind of grace into others.

Do You Have Enough Love in the Tank?

Married and Engaged Couples – It can become easy to depend on each other for everything. And it can become easy to give all you have, to then start expecting your spouse to fill you. So when the time comes and you feel empty and like you have no more to give, reflect on these questions: Where is your gas station of love? Where are you going to fill up? Filling up with how much love and grace God has for you only propels you forward into greater flow of giving and loving. I would encourage you and your spouse to take some alone time. Get comfortable by yourself (lay down) and rest. Meditate and soak on all the love God has for you, so that you can willingly submit yourselves to one another.

IF YOU LIKE THE EXPERIENCE SEEN IN THESE PICTURES YOU CAN BOOK YOUR ARIZONA MEMORY MAKING WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER TODAY!

Many thanks to the wedding creative team who helped in the celebration of two souls committing the promise of forever:

Venue: PARADISE VALLEY COUNTRY CLUB 

Photographer: APRIL MAURA PHOTOGRAPHY

Photographed with I DO PHOTOGRAPHY

Wedding Decoration: CALIFORNIA BEACH CRUISER