The Great Problem

“The Great Problem”

This is a subtitle in Chapter 5 of The Meaning of Marriage. When I read the header, I was instantly intrigued. “What could the great problem be??” I asked myself. When I began reading, I had to re-read it out loud to my husband, because it was just too good.

Tim Keller address the great problem as this:

“The one person in the whole world who holds your heart in his/her hand, whose approval and affirmation you most long for and need, is the one who is hurt more deeply by your sins than anyone else on the planet.”

Whoa. This feels like one great paradox in marriage. How can the one person we love most be the one who we hurt the most? That is a loaded and complex question to even try to unpack.

Well let’s go through it together and start with a couple ways of how we respond to our spouse’s sin and then wrap it up with a potential solution.

Some of us can respond with the power of only truth. Which is the truth of our feelings of our hurt and our thoughts of our spouse in that moment. This can be all too familiar to all of us, me included. We tell them, “what fools, what messes, how selfish they are.” However, when that has happened, the response of our spouse is normally totally opposite of how we actually want it. It demoralizes them. It makes them want to hide. It makes them close off  and actually breaks any opportunity for connection.

Because we have so much power in each other’s lives and admire each other’s affirmation so much, that the moment there is criticism, it can immediately destroy.

The other response is with the power of only love. Which is the total opposite. We just affirm the other person or avoid telling just how disappointed we are. We stuff everything down and hush it up. Which in the long run we all know will come out eventually in some unhealthy way as well. We lose honesty.

We can’t have one without the other if we are in pursuit of a healthy marriage that is about growing into who God wants us to be. Especially as humans who mess up and fail often, it is important to try and keep the power of our love and the power of truth together for our spouse while dealing with each other’s sin. But that is not easy by any means. So how do we get to keep the power of both love and truth on?

Grace

It is through grace that we get to share our love and share truthfully with each other our hurts and disappointments, but also share with each other who we really are in Christ. We can actually create the space for each other to be okay with not being okay and for being disappointed and hurt. While knowing how to build each other up and extend grace to the other because of how much grace we have received in Christ.

That is the ultimate foundation of building a marriage.

“We love because he first loved us.” 1 John 4:19

When we experience and receive God’s grace for our own lives, we are able to give it again and again.

Application

Married Couples:  Reflect on ways that you have experienced God’s grace on your life and where you are at now. Remember His grace for you and think of a couple ways you could show your spouse that same grace this week.

Engaged Couples: Start conversation with each other about how you both deal with conflict. And then think talk with each other about how you think incorporating the power of love and truth could help when conflict arises.

If you’re just joining us, you can catch up here:

• NEWEST ADDITION TO APRIL MAURA PHOTOGRAPHY: MARRIAGE SERIES AUTHOR
• SEARCHING FOR THE SECRET OF MARRIAGE
• UNVEILING THE GREAT SECRET OF MARRIAGE
• BEING LOVED SO YOU MAY LOVE
• POWER TO CHOOSE IN MARRIAGE
• DO YOU KEEP YOUR PROMISES?
• “I’M SORRY, I CAN’T GIVE LOVE IF I DON’T FEEL IT.”
• COMMON PURPOSE DRIVES FRIENDSHIP IN MARRIAGE
• PURPOSE IN MARRIAGE
• AS TIME GOES ON

AUTHOR OF THE MARRIAGE SERIES: Taylor Wild

Note: We do not hold degrees in psychology, nor are we doctors, but people who have a heart to share wisdom.

IF YOU LIKE THE EXPERIENCE SEEN IN THESE PICTURES YOU CAN BOOK YOUR MEMORY MAKING WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER TODAY!

(First & Third Photo): Venue: Clayton on the Park | Photographer: April Maura Photography | Second Shot with Rachel Solomon

(Second, Fourth and Fifth Photo) Venue: Eagle Mountain Country Club | Photographer: April Maura Photography | Venue: Shemer Art Center & Museum | Fuji 400 Film: Little Film Lab