Singleness and Marriage

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Singleness and Marriage

We can learn a lot from one another whether we are single or whether we are married. Our hearts are still the same at the core no matter our marital “status.” We are all longing for that deep intimate connection. There is a deep part of us crying out for deep relationships. For example, we connect with a friend on a deep and personal level and there is a life-giving feeling. It is a relief because we realize we are not alone. But when we are without that kind of connection, our souls tend to start feeling dry, dead, and alone.

Singles start to believe marriage will fulfill the “deep cry for deep.” For married people, it is totally natural to believe that “deep cry for deep” can be found in the spouse. However, both of those beliefs try to grip onto something else outside of ourselves. Trying to grip onto a sense of security and belonging that we truly can’t attain from anyone or anything from this world. There is only one relationship we can draw unlimited love, courage, and strength from.

Let’s address the incorrect reasoning people have tried to explain singleness and how singleness is good.

Goodness of Singleness

There is an article called “Singled Out by God for Good,” by Paige Benton Brown. In her article, she discusses how Christian churches have communicated to singles why they are single, that are just not true. These human limited thoughts have caused a shaming culture for singles in the church. If you are single, you might have heard these before.

Keller wrote these bullet points from Brown’s article:

“As soon are you’re satisfied with God alone, he’ll bring someone special into your life” – as though God’s blessing are ever earned by our contentment.
“You’re too picky” as though God is frustrated by our fickle whims and needs broader parameters in which to work.
“As a single you can commit yourself wholeheartedly to the Lord’s work” – as though God requires emotional martyrs to do his work, of which marriage must be no part.
“Before you can marry someone wonderful, the Lord has to make you someone wonderful” – as though God grants marriage as a second blessing to the satisfactorily sanctified.

I love how Keller comments on each of these incorrect comments. These comments are all believing in a God who doesn’t love the “single” person enough. They are assuming that it is the single person’s fault for being single, and by their own good works, they can achieve marriage. This makes me sad. It makes me sad because God isn’t that kind of a God. He doesn’t love us according to whether we are single or married. He doesn’t love one more than the other, and He wouldn’t ever give His love to someone because they did all the right things for Him.

Paige Brenton Brown actually responds with the beautiful truth about anyone who happens to be single is:

“I am not single because I am too spiritually unstable to possibly deserve a husband, nor because I am too spiritually mature to possibly need one. I am single because God is so abundantly good to me, because this is his best for me.” – Paige Brenton Brown (reference to 1 Corinthians)

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His Best For Me

His best for me, is the truth that we can choose to believe whether we are single or married, that our status isn’t actually what determines are true identity.

Our status can quickly become an idolized thing. We can put too much pressure on our spouses to be our everything or we can put too much on the idea of marriage to solve all our problems.

However both of those can still ebb and flow. We can lose our singleness just as our marriages can either sway from being good to feeling bad. They are still relationships and status’ that are not concrete. The only relationship that is concrete is with our Heavenly Father. Jesus remained single because God chose Jesus to be single. It was best for Jesus. For others, it is best for us to be married. We are learning to trust that our Heavenly Father actually has the best for us in mind and that is what He wants for us.

We are learning everyday how to gently receive His invitations for us in this life. He is allowing us to accept His best for us, whether we like the status we have or we don’t. We get the choice to believe and trust His best is for us, and that He is our true source of deep that only He can meet. We won’t ever find our deep cries met by anything or anyone else, except for the One who knew us and wrote our whole story before we were even born.

Singleness is important and is valuable. Just as marriage is important and is valuable. We can still find connections in our hearts together. It is totally natural to seek marriage when being single, and have that longing of a life-partner. I love how this chapter has a purpose to position ALL of our hearts in a way to best receive what God has for us, as a gift, so we may believe in His love for us while He has us where we are at. Next blog post we will talk more about the healthy process of singleness to dating to marriage.

Application

Married Couples: Write down 2 or 3 ways you maybe have put subconscious pressure on your spouse to meet that divine desire for connection that he/she wasn’t created to meet. Ask God how He can meet that desire within you.

Engaged Couples: Reflect back to your dating relationship and engagement relationship. Ask yourself if you have started to believe in your heart that marriage is the answer to an emptiness you feel? If yes, maybe gently sit with that feeling and see how God will teach you through it.

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