“I really don’t understand him, I mean I try to understand, but I just don’t get the way he thinks.”

I don’t know about you, but this can be subtle thought process that creeps in every now and again. I so desperately want to know my husband and understand his thoughts, and then his actions. Yet, no matter how badly I want to know, there are just some aspects of him that I just won’t ever be able to fully understand. Why is that?

Yes we are created equal, but because we have also been created to work in unison and in harmony with one another, I don’t believe it would be good for us to be exactly the same type of person. This post is not a matter of equality or of determining the greatness of one gender. Rather, it is about the mystery of becoming ONE.

This is called “the great dance.” The great dance poses the question, how do we step differently while becoming one movement?

In this Chapter, Tim Keller’s wife, Kathy, writes about the significance of embracing the other spouse. Not just parts of him or her, but embracing their whole being. Including their God-given gifts, their purpose, their calling, and even their sin as your husband or wife.

With the calling of a wife being different than the calling of a man, the wife’s role has gotten misunderstood for so many years. The role of a wife has been under this heavy burden of “submitting” to her husband. A lot of this has to do with our own lack of understanding for that word and also a misuse of power, causing our own self-worth and value to suffer.

It is time to open our eyes to exactly who we are suppose to as wives and husbands, and recognize that we BOTH have a big role to play in our marriages. No matter what our “title” is. Husband and wife have been created in a way to mutually influence the other to become one whole and completed union. We are going to begin to dive in more so we can better understand our roles, embrace the other, and create one breathtaking dance together.

Redeeming Roles

God created men and women in His image. Both with specific gifting and callings on their life to fulfill. When sin came into the world, each gender suffered from this great fall. Both suffered in different contexts. The unity between men and women fell apart in ways that we have experienced in our own lives. Kathy Keller describes the effects of the fall like this:

“Blame-shifting, finger pointing, and accusation. Rather than their Otherness becoming a source of completion, it becomes an occasion for oppression and exploitation. The women remains dependent and desirous of her husband, but it turns into an idolatrous desire, and his protection and love becomes a selfish lust and exploitation.”

But because Jesus came, died, and is now alive, we have been redeemed by Him. Everyday for us, is a day that Christ in us, is making His redemptive plan a reality, whether we see it or not. What God created as good, became destruction at the fall, and now He is making our roles for good again.

Marriage is the safest and most intimate place to experience this kind of redemption. When in a healthy marriage, we get to engage in a covenant relationship with someone we love and who loves us in return. Our roles as husband and wife, since the fall may have gone a bit hay wire, but where there is love and acceptance, harmony and union can freely blossom again.

Submission and Headship

For a healthy shift of perspective in our roles as husband and wife, we first need to acknowledge what and how we have stereotyped our roles to be. Maybe you were always taught that a Christian wife looks like a stay at home wife, who takes care of the kids, cleans, and cooks. And maybe you’ve tried to be that image, but everything inside you wells up against it. This could have stemmed from a understated view of the word “submission.”

While also believing that since the husband is suppose to be the “headship,”  he needs to be the one in control and the wife needs to be at home. Well as we know, this isn’t always what feels right in our gut to be true, especially in our time period of 2016. While it totally works for some couples, it might not for others. It is up to the married couple to decide what works best for them.

But at the end of the day, our behavior is of least importance. It is more about our attitudes and what we are believing our worth and value to be true as husband and wife.

Each role has signifiant worth and priceless value. The why is because of our model in Jesus. Jesus was both servant role and headship role. He is the reason why we can find value in our gifting as husband and wife. A wife is a “strong helper” in any marriage and the husband is a “headship” in any marriage. These two terms have a umbrella of definitions, both practically and figuratively that we will discuss on the next blog.

Application

Married Couples: Write down 5 qualities your spouse has shown as a servant-leader and as the headship. Talk them over with each other. Ask each other what qualities has practically worked best in our marriage so far and what has not worked so well in our marriage so far? For example, as a wife, does it work best for her to clean?. Does it work best for the marriage for the husband to deal with the finances?

Engaged Couples: Answer this question and write down the answer…Do you believe there is worth in your future role as wife or husband? Why? Read your answers to each other, and then answer the questions again but for your fiancé. Do you believe there is worth in your future spouse’s role for your soon to be marriage? and Why? Read your answers to each other.

If you’re just joining us, you can catch up here:

• NEWEST ADDITION TO APRIL MAURA PHOTOGRAPHY: MARRIAGE SERIES AUTHOR
• SEARCHING FOR THE SECRET OF MARRIAGE
• UNVEILING THE GREAT SECRET OF MARRIAGE
• BEING LOVED SO YOU MAY LOVE
• POWER TO CHOOSE IN MARRIAGE
• DO YOU KEEP YOUR PROMISES?
• “I’M SORRY, I CAN’T GIVE LOVE IF I DON’T FEEL IT.”
• COMMON PURPOSE DRIVES FRIENDSHIP IN MARRIAGE
• PURPOSE IN MARRIAGE
• AS TIME GOES ON

AUTHOR OF THE MARRIAGE SERIES: Taylor Wild

Note: We do not hold degrees in psychology, nor are we doctors, but people who have a heart to share wisdom.

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